I'm t ired.

Sabi nila, kailangan mo daw irecognize yung emotions mo.
Paano kung nagagalit ka pero di naman dapat?
Paano kung naiinis ka dun sa tao pero di naman dapat?

Nakakaasar eh. ni-thank you. wala.

Wala eh. Ganun talaga.
.
.
.
pero di ko magawang mainis o magalit..kasi wala ako karapatan
magalit sa napakabuting taong iyon.

hi. I don't know how to juggle things.
there are times that I feel so exhausted.

Shhhhh no more.

news is not about who won the best/worst dress or what trends in SNS or the amount of a kickbacks that a certain politicians received.

the real news is covered with these shits.

let's be aware of what is happening in Iraq and Syria...let us include them in our prayers.

STOP Christian Genocide. Let us not make the mistakes made in the past.

Paano..

HI. It's been a long time since my last post.

I'm exhausted. di ko alam kung dahil ba sa thesis or software engineering namin, or dahil ba sa org or sa bahay, or dahil din sa mga iniisip ko na "ibang" bagay. Nakakainis kasi, ito na naman, bakit ganun? akala ko wala na...kung kailan pilit ko ng gustong  tanggalin or iwasan yung nararamdaman ko para sa taong iyon, lalo naman ito kumakapit. kaasar lang di ba?

Tapos, yung sa academics, yung thesis at SE. natatakot ako. natatakot ako kasi alam ko rin yung pagkukulang namin...naging petiks ako nung bakasyon. nakakatakot in a way na di ko alam ang gagawin. Super cram, super muddy ng utak ko..super natatakot ako.

Tapos, di ko alam kung kaya ko bang gampanan yung responsibilidad ko sa org...parang ang hypocrite ko kasi, ang lakas ng loob ko sbihin sa iba na kaya yan....magagawa yan.. kaso nung nakita ko yung sarili ko sa ganitong situation, parang di ko maapply...natatakot ako...ayaw ko ma-fail yung mga tao na naniniwala sa akin. ayaw ko rin mafail yung commitment ko.

Pagod ako, exhausted, pero di iyon excuse para mafail...di iyon dahilan para di magawa ang mga dapat kong gawin.

Gusto ko na umiyak ngayon, gusto ko to ikwento sa kaibigan ko...kaso, paano. :(

Today, I feel like quitting on my extra curricular activities, but  I realized that it is not an option. cause for me, quitting is the same as giving up, and giving up means acting like a loser. :)

Today's Realization

May 3, 2014.

Entertain fear and you will get nothing.
Entertain fear and you will  only sweat to death.
Entertain fear and you might just lost someone precious.
Entertain fear and you just lived a wasted life.


Face your fear, folks!

This is what the labrador had taught me.
Big size but a gentle creature.

This is what my lola's wisdom on me.
Sharp words can hurt like a double edge sword,
but the wisdom beneath is eternal.

Random Attacks.

Big city dreams.
Chasing pavements.
Playing an old mixtape.
Remembering the memories,
That you and I both had.

Trying to loosen the strings,
once knotted so hard
words keep on spilling
on the song in the past.

Hope you listen to it,
or should i say, rather not.
'Cause once this brave lady
had spilled so much.

sa dinadami ng inis/kairitahan ko sa buhay....ito lang masasabi ko.
Thank you for making me stronger.

Thanks, God.
Muli akong babangon.

PostScript

*note not all posts here reflect the author's thoughts, feelings, rants, praises, etc....sometimes, she is  just using another role/ point-of-view*

LaterLetter

Dear Friend,

I hope you can read this.
How are you? It has been a while since we had a serious talk.
I missed you.
I missed our late night talks, our topic on random things, even our "kasabawan" days.
I missed all the days that we crave for a buffet.
Listening to musics, pretending like a hard rocker.
Listening to heartaches and witnessing victories.
I missed all your jokes..even though most of them are not that funny.
But the mere thought that you're exerting an effort can already make me laugh.

I'm sorry if I have to distance myself.
I've been into a long search of who I really am.
Experimenting on things, and I regret some of them.
I don't want to hurt you because of my carelessness.

I hope that you understand me.
And I hope that you will always be my friend.
Please be there for me specially on my weakest.
Please remember that you are always in me..
You are a part of my system.

I love you, dear.
'Till we meet again.
God bless.


All with love,

Concern citizen.

Stay

Time flies like there is no tomorrow.
Lessons learned and still continue to learn.
People you've met by now may gone tomorrow.
Be in either places, but they stay forever.
In the space when once used, and will always be used.
In the space where rhythm and melody will continue to bloom.

Salamat Junela, Joshua, Russell, JV, Jed, Daniel, Princess, Theo, mga BFFs ko (Jill, Claudette at Biancs) at Ate Ann.

Alam kong di lahat kayo makababasa nito. Pero, gusto ko lang magpasalamat dahil kahit papaano di niyo ako iniwan sa mga oras na kailangan ko ng karamay. Upon assuring me that you're always there is already enough to ease things up..even though some of us may not talk physically, but that assurance is already a big thing. :)

Mukhang mababaw man to, pero, alam kong alam niyo yung dahilan kung bakit ganun na lang yung impact ng mga failing scores ko sa akin. Salamat kasi nanjan kayo para umalalay at di para humusga. Sobrang salamat talaga. Di man mawawala yung bigat nito ng isang tulugan lang, pero kahit papaano, pinagaan niyo ito. Sa tingin ko, di ko rin kakayanin na harapin yung mga problema ko kung wala kayo.

Isa kayo sa mga regalo ni Lord sa buhay ko, at pamhabang buhay ko kayo pagkakaingatan. :)

Sa ngayon, gagawin ko pa rin ang part ko, pipiliting bumangon kasi alam kong pagsubok lamang ito at malalapgpasan rin ito, para saan pa't matatagumpay rin tayo, at lubos pa akong magdarasal...alam kong ito ang aking sandigan. Di Niya ako pababayaan.


Muli, salamat ng marami! Nawa'y mas tumibay pa ang ating pagkakaibigan. :) Hayaan niyon makabawi ako sa inyo. hanggang sa muli.!


Mel

Dear Friend,

She tried to be honest, but it went wrong.
She wished she never said the words that strong.
'cause it is kind of torture that she always get...
And she is sick of all those regrets.

She missed the way you talk with her.
With all those stellars that you've shown her.
From Sol to Jupiter, ooh so bright.
But now, she can only see the night.

Sincerely,

Concern citizen

Somethings happened that can't be undone.
Truly, curiosity kills the cat.
Temptations kept on knocking
To the door that was once locked.
She gave in and tasted.
Disgusted yet satisfied.
Satisfied  and yet she regretted
the things that she'd done.

Sondering

That moment in life when you met a stranger...a total stranger. Then you were in a same space, not the space outside the earth, but the space wherein the two of you were located but on different plots. It feels like there was something talking to you. But then, the two of you did not speak nor even cross each other's eyes. You were just there, and the stranger was just standing next to you...but it was like the two of you have known each other for a very long time. Again, no words uttered, no direct contact..just the energy and aura that the two of you have. Until you have part ways, and never said goodbye. :)

Metanoia

Mga pagsubok lamang yan, wag mo itigil ang laban. :)
-Pagsubok by Aegis
--
happy Sunday, everyone!
truly, the happiest place on earth is where your heart feasts like there is no tomorrow. When you are in an extreme happiness that no words can define, it is when you feel the zenith of tranquility amidst of all the noise in your surrounding. It is when you are with the people who truly accept you for who you are, who still love you beyond your flaws. It is when you are in the place where God is..and seeing the Person who died on the cross because of so much love to us. It is where you feel that you are not alone for He is with you, always..for eternity. :)


PS:
from now on, I'll not post bitterness in life. :)

United by the diversities of each individual.
Together we fight for what is right.

Rant101

May mga oras na naiinis ako.
Sorry, pero minsan lang to.
May boses ka nga pero mistulang walang nakaririnig.
Di ko rin alam kung nagagamit ba ito o hindi.

Sinusubukan kong habaan ang pisi.
Pero lagi na lang ba ganito?
Di porket di ako kumikibo, ibig sabihin nun ay oo.
May pake rin ako, sana maramdaman mo.
Di yung sa oras na may kailangan ka, tsaka ka lang tatakbo.
Tao rin ako napapagod.
Tao rin akong nangangailangan ng kalinga mo.

One of my dreams is to go to Rome, to kiss the hand of the Pope. To go to Israel.
To walk with the path that our Lord Jesus Christ had walk with. To sit on the surface where He once sat on.
To pray in the garden where He felt the strong agony that will happen. To sail on the boat where He calmly sat and made the storm tranquil.


I want to travel with the people I love. :)

Yes, it is hard.

Yes, it is painful.

But we have to fight for the things that really matter...for the things that are really worth fighting for. We can do this with God's grace. Even if life is at stake, who cares? I'd rather die young and loved, than old and alone.

She spoke without doubts.

Sometimes, you'll hear the hardest truth from the closest person that you've ever had, from the person has ever loved you back. 

Shout Out.

You appointed me.
You told me to lead this.
And now, I've been speaking since then.
Explaining what is to be done.
Trying to put the puzzle in to pieces.
Hoping to connect the strings of the melody.

But, no one hears me.
No, no one wants to hear me.

A year and a half.

It is time to grow.
Sobra saya ko lang kasi I finally get rid of this silly feeling, grabe after so many sems.. :)

Salamat sa lahat ng tumulong sa akin. Girl, you know who you are. :) sa tropa ko, alam niyo na rin kung sino kayo. :) salamat ah :) God bless!

Random

Words that once colored my life, have now evolved into something that only abstraction could only define.

Hear me.

Don't you know that I'm in pain too...? But I just covered it with happiness when I'm with you.

-an excerpt from Prettiest Friend

Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty that a person who has nothing to eat.

Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Love till it hurts. Love to the fullest till it hurts no more.

thoughts # ?

There are times that I just don't know myself. There are things that are better left unsaid.

Adios

I may get tired of you sometimes, but it won't stop me from caring about you. it may look like a one way road trip but I don't care. For now, I am looking for the space that you have greatly occupied in me. For now, I have to slow down. For now, I have to stop this all at once. For now, it is time to take good care of myself..it's been a good relationship though.  Adios.
-30

Sonder

The scent of the morning was everywhere. The light together with the cold breeze embraced me. 'Twas a beautiful day indeed. I was in the university field. I was sitting on a wheel chair. I heard my friends' laughter, we were in a picnic perhaps. Then, he was there, he is there. He was taking me somewhere while he was holding my shoulder. Then we stopped. His warm hands hold mine--fingers intertwined, one by one. The heat was tolerable, my blood was in a rush. His scent was a drug.

Then, his eyes met mine, no words uttered, only the words that our heart could understand. We hold each other's gaze for a minute or two, but it was like forever. 

Suddenly, the bright blue sky turned into mad darkness. In just a snap, he was gone. I was alone, no friends, no meadow, no food. I was in a distant place, still on my wheel chair. Then a  loud voice roared from nowhere. It was deafening. The voice was familiar. It was persistent. It was my mom. Then, a gale came. I fell down. And then, I opened my eyes, realizing that it was 4:30 in the morning, that it was just a sweet dream turned into a bitter nightmare. 

-30 MCalamba (Blackrose)

11:50 pm, February 10, 2014

Failure, failure everywhere.
Ouch.
Judgement of numbers are bugging me right now, and I don't know how to get back to the track again.
Yes, I'm tired. Very. But being exhausted is not an excuse.
The clock is running. But should I just watch the sand to run out?
Honestly, I don't know what to do.
If I fail again, I don't know. I don't know if I can study. I don't know...I am worried. Forgive me if I pour my worries here, it is just right now, I just need someone to talk to at this very moment. But then, my family is not here, they got a lot of things to do,and I don't want to be a bother to them; most of friends are sleeping at this moment.

Tomorrow is another hope. Another chance, another chapter, and not to waste for another failure.
I need prayers, I need my family, my dearest friends and of course, God. I have to carry the cross with a smile. I know that these things have a purpose. And these will make me stronger, braver and wiser.

Right now, I am bothered. Oh God, please enlighten me. :(

Friend, where are you when I needed you most? even your mere presence can already brighten my day..

Child's Play

We were playing outside the house. Running like a wild beast.

We were at the zenith of our excitement. Then a suddenly a friend of mine asked me something. And from then on, something made me incomplete.

Poem 3

Witness how the sun illuminates the sky once filled with darkness.

Rising like a child, brave as the front-line warrior.

Unfathomable mystery behind its glow.

Words  uttered, that's what I only know.

Poem 2

When:February 6, 2014
Where: UST Field



See how the light and dark embrace one another.
as if there is no tomorrow.
See how the fog reveals the beauty
Of the meadows cover by its mystery.


See how the morning dew cleans the impurity
of the leaves which once rooted in sins.
See how the Time greets you miraculously
To tell that God is with you eternally.

Enough

Note to myself.

Enough to all of my silly "feelings".
Enough to my stupidity.
Enough to my insecurity.
Enough to mediocrity.

Day 8 of 30

Day 8: What are 3 passions you have?

First. Doing household chores.

      There is always a satisfaction every time I clean our house, o kung kaninong bahay basta nanduon ako, or nanduon ako tumitira. Ang saya lang sa feeling maglinis.

Second. Reading and Observing.

Third. Helping and Learning.

Ifs and Pleases.

If I need a shoulder to cry on..

If I need ears to listen to my rants...

If I need a hand to hold on...

If I need someone just for the sake of "because"...

Please be there for me.

Please let me know that you're there.

Please never leave me.

Please make me laugh.

Please hold my hand even if I refuse..

..'cause I may look tough on the outside, but inside, I'm totally wrecked. 

Day 7 of 30

Day 7: What is your dream job? why?

I've always wanted to work in a research or something that would require me to blend and to immerse myself from the reality of my line of work. I've always wanted to solve investigative or experimental problems. I want to research, to study; to know the truth. I don't want to be contained in a place. I wanted to travel, to meet people, to discuss about anything. But of course, I want a job that would offer me a great deal.

I see myself as a consultant. A system analyst and a researcher in Google.


Plus, I wanted to work in Dreamworks or Pixar. There is a desire in me to draw and to color. I wanted to fill the world with happy thoughts using imaginations and creativity. And lastly,in the future (if God would let me), I want to be a loving mother. I believe that it is the best job ever. I always see satisfaction in my mom's face. I always see happiness, love and peace every time I see a baby and hold 'em. They may look so fragile but I see the courage in their hearts. I may not be receiving salary or day-off, but I know that receiving and giving love is the best deal ever. :)

God bless everyone!

Day 6 of 30

Day 6: What is the hardest thing that you have ever experienced?

Sa ngayon, yung mag-aral at mag-trabaho. Oo, mahirap physically, mentally, emotionally..pero kung iisipin kong mahirap eh lalo akong mahihirapan. Tanggap ko yung hirap nito kasi kung wala yung scholarship ko, baka di rin ako nakakapasok sa school. At isa itong privilege para sa akin kasi napakalaking regalo ito mula sa Diyos na dapat pagkaingatan.

Then, mawala sa Dean's list, bumagsak sa IBM Certification Exam, at endless failures. But these failures makes me stronger. They made me realized who I really am. :)


Bukod dun, yung mafeeling broken...kahit di naman dapat, kahit wala kang karapatan.

The Feast 1.2

Character, integrity and ethics over intelligence.

God renews us everyday. :)

Day 5 of 30

Day 5: What are the five things that make you happiest right now.

As of now.

 Makakita ng gwapo. (kilig much eh..haha! kidding!)
1. Mag The Feast. 
2. Cotton Candy
3. Coffee
4. Sleep
5. Home

Thought # 6

Madalas sa buhay kailangan mag-pakatotoo. Kasi mahirap nang mawala na marami ka pang nais sabihin,o mga tanong na nais masagot.

Ngunit minsan, may pagkakataon na mas nagiging magulo parang lalong lumabo yung pagkakataon na akala mo magiging malinaw kapag nagpakatotoo ka sa nararamdaman ko. Yung akala mo, okay na ang lahat, pero dinaig pa ang putik sa kalabuan. Siguro, ganun talaga ang buhay. May panahon para sa mga bagay bagay.

Thought # 5

sa ginawang pag-amin, lalo pa atang naguluhan himbis na maliwanagan.

Day 4 of 30

Day 4: List 5 things you would tell to your 16 year old self if you could.

1. Good job.
2. Be grateful.
3. Forgive yourself.
4. Keep the fire of love alive in you.
5. You're beautiful.

Thought # 4

011614
Tadhana nga naman, mapagbiro.
--
back to reality. :) okay.

Day 3 of 30

Day 3: What is the greatest amount of physical pain have you ever endured?

Carrying sacks of relief goods (Tulong Tomasino) and pails of sand (construction thingy in our house).

I am used in carrying heavy things (kaya siguro di ako tumangkad), pero itong dalawang ito ang pinakamalala...hindi naman nagtagal yung sakit kasi ginusto din ng katawan ko na mapagod at masaktan paminsan minsan..kung baga naka-kondisyon na ako sa mga consequences after ko to gawin. :)

Yun lang.

Prelim day 1

Failure is a blessing in disguise.
It is a door to opportunities.

Thought # 3

Why is there a sudden coldness...?
I miss the old time stories.
I miss our memories.
I miss you.

Day 2 of 30

Day 2: Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and describe how they became fears

1. Fear of Being Forgotten

       I am afraid of being forgotten by the people I love the most.It just happened though, some realizations that I've encounter in my life.

2. Fear of Frogs

       It started when I was nine years old. A big frog jumped on me.

3. Fear of Losing someone  

      It started when my lolo died. He was a father to me. And I love him so much.

Day 1 of 30

I got this from the blog of my friend (which he got form another blog).

So, for day 1:
List 10 Random Facts About yourself

*I am a follower of Christ.

*I am blessed.

*I am a Thomasian.

* I a love roses. Whatever kind of roses. I am crazy about roses. Maybe because my name has a rose but you know, roses are adorable and simple. They may have thorns but they can still look tough and beautiful.

*I love to write and read.

*Observing and listening is my thing.

*I love to travel.

*I love little things-SIMPLE things.

*I love natural beauty.

*I am small but terrible. haha!



^marami pa....pero ito muna. :)
30-day blog challenge:
http://www.canigetanotherbottleofwhine.com/p/30-day-blog-challenge-list.html

The Feast 1.1

Compounding requires perseverance, patience and prudence.

I'm tired of being ugly.
I'm sick of all the insults that I get.

I just want to be me..

Masakit man pero dapat gawin.

2nd to the last.

Bawal ang papetiks-petiks.
Sa mundong hanep kung kumilatis.